A Short One

This is definitely not a good time to blog—the deadly paper is coming in two-day time—but I just feel like SCREAMING OUT LOUD to give vent to my anger towards my short concentration span! I seriously have to do something about it. Ok. This is gonna be in my to-do list during my 1.5 months holiday. *DETERMINED*

<3 Relationship

This is not gonna be a long post as my notes and books are staring at me as if leaving my eyes off them is a crime. 

W said I always have close relationship with guys. I kind of agree with her actually, although I tend to deny this in front of her, perhaps even in front of everyone. The close relationship I mean is like those BFF kind of friendship which will easily be misunderstood as love relationship given in the context between a guy and a girl. To be honest, all this while, I never think that a guy likes me unless he tells me so. I have very a short antenna for receiving hints regarding this kind of matter. Without the three golden words, it's almost impossible for me to know a guy has special feeling towards me. Even if people around me think he has and keep telling me so, I will regard them as thinking too much. No why. I just think it's highly impossible for us to know and understand how other feels without the person actually sharing with us. That's why I never really want to guess or find out if a guy likes me. Also, I am not the type of girl who will make the first move for a love relationship. I simply have no courage for it. So finding out a guy likes me doesn't seem to do me any good because if I have the same feeling towards him, I would probably be wasting half of my time thinking about the possibility between us. XD

I should stop ranting. After all, this kind of matter is unpredictable and most of the time, needs no reasoning. ;)

_______________________________

I think I have turned my blog into a place where I can pour out my random and disorganised thoughts, and then sort them out so that, after sending the processed thoughts back to my mind, I know what I should do. My big head doesn't seem to provide ample space for sorting out thoughts. :/

To turn this explanation into economic terms, it will be:

My brain is now facing a diminished return to scale in thoughts processing. Any additional input will require more brain juice to process it. So I have to outsource my thoughts to overseas, which is actually this blog, and then import them back to my brain again. ECONOMICS IS AWESOME! XD

Quit A Bad Habit

Everyday, it takes me quite a while to get off from my bed after I have woken up. I'm not sure how many of you are like this but I think this happens to quite many people. Usually after I wake up, I will try to figure out whether there is more time for me to continue sleeping and even if the answer is no, I don't wake up immediately, unless I'm late. I will take my phone and go online. Instagram, Whatsapp, Line, email and then Facebook.

The reason why I'd like to talk (write, to be more precise) about this today is not because I've finally come to realise this is a bad habit but it's because I would like to make a change.

Here's what I think about making a change:

Identifying weakness is easy, 

deciding to improve it is difficult, 

taking action to change it is even more difficult.

Nevertheless, I'm not gonna let this to deter my determination to change.

So in order for me to change this bad habit, I've sorted out the reasons which constitute to it so that I can tackle it to its deep root. Here're the reasons:

1. I always put my phone near to me bed. Usually before I sleep, I tend to check my phone again. The same "procedure"—Instagram, Whatsapp, Line, email and then Facebook. This is another bad habit which I wanna change. So it is very convenient for me to get my phone after I wake up. To solve this is easy: just put my phone far away.

2. I think checking my phone is important. This is different from the first reason—it has something to do with my mindset. And both you and I know changing mindset is not easy. Yet, I'm still gonna do it! Solution: constantly remind myself that those photos, chats, emails and Facebook statuses are not gonna disappear or cause any loss to me if I check them out late.

3. I think I have time to waste. Recently, I have no class to attend except for my one last exam paper on next Thursday. So I tend to think I have plenty of time but yeah, I know this is wrong. I should spend more time on revising as I really need to secure good grades, I mean A, to get into the Uni I want. Of course, I'm not gonna do my revision all the time. There're many more things I should spend my precious time on such as exercise and reading. So basically, the problem here is time management. Solution: have a clearer picture of what I have to do for the day. It's should be something like a schedule but a more flexible one which I plan and keep in my mind. I think this can be done before I sleep. Oh yay, it can deter me from checking my phone before I sleep too! One stone kills two birds. :)

Despite tackling all these problems, the most important things I need to have is DISCIPLINE. I can't change without being disciplined. Yes. It's time to be more strict to myself. I'm 20 and I should be more serious about my life. This bad habit is minor as compared to many other things but a small thing  may affect a great plan, isn't it? ;)

         

Think

Recently, the idea of restarting to blog keeps wandering in my mind. So now, here I am, blogging again. :) 

I always wanted to blog but the urge to blog didn't appear very often nor strongly until recently. There are just too many things happening around me, giving me lessons of life and I feel like, I'm really growing up. Growing up to be a mature person.

But I'm still me.

Then how have I grown up to be?

I'm growing to learn more about myself and to understand why I do certain things. Last time, I used to think about how things work but now, I also think of why I think of something. Sorry that it sounds a bit complicated but I'm gonna give an example:

What I thought last time: why this person like that one?

What I think now: why this person like that one + why/what makes me think of him/her as such a person?

Yes. I'm thinking more than I used to last time. And I still remember I like asking him not to think too much. But I realise thinking is what a mature person always does because while we're always encouraged to act what we say instead of just saying, in reality, we have to find the right time, the right person or the right place to act what we say. So, we're left to think.

So today, there's this guy, who is my high school friend, started a conversation with me in Facebook. To be honest, we're not very close. We're from different class and didn't have much intersection. Unlike most of my friends of my age, he's now working. Working as a professional cyclist, instead of studying in college or universities like what the others and I are doing. I'm not discriminating him. Instead, I look up to him very much, for being able to know what he wants to do and brave enough to do what he wants, despite being looked down by some people and the difficulties he has to face in his career. We had a very nice conversation. We exchanged our mind which we rarely share with each other and even our own friends. It's by telling him what kind of person I am, I now can see myself more clearly.

So here's what I think of myself:

Since I have come to college, I haven't been speaking up my mind as often as last time. The reason is that I can hardly find people whom I think I can share my mind with. It's not because I've became more introvert. I just feel tired speaking and explaining my thoughts to someone whom I think cannot understand or isn't interested in listening to me. No. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I cannot accept people who have different opinion from me. I mean, they are not interested in the topics I'm interested in. For instance, during the most important event of our nation recently—GE13—I suffered a hard time because there're very few people whom I could talk to about this very sensitive issue! The others in my circle are either not interested in politics, or they are too swayed away by the populist party.

I can either be very quiet or very talkative, depending on whom I am with. When I'm with those who don't share the same interest with me, I don't really talk. But being such a person actually bothered me for a while because I felt that I wasn't being myself. I was putting on a mask and I hated it so much! But thanks to growing up, I have realised something: I'm not being fake. I just prefer being who I really am in front of the right people. This realisation makes me love myself more and I'm now happy with myself and my life. And it also makes me understand why as we grow up, we're less likely to get more close friends. It's because we see things more clearly and think more. We become more selective as we know what we want. But this fact of getting less close friends doesn't make me feel sad because at the same time, we also understand that quality is more important than quantity. :)

Sorry. This post is not very organised because it's just like my mind—it's filled with different thoughts.